The Myth of Easy Relationships
A common relationship myth that I hear in my work as a couples therapist, with my friends and family, and in media is that “if you are in the right relationship, it should feel easy.”
And like many cultural myths, there is a seed of truth within it that gets masked in unrealistic expectations, misunderstanding, and fantasy.
The seed of truth is: easeful and reciprocal relationships are created through being generous in giving Love and being Love to your partner.
The unrealistic expectations surrounding this truth come from our cultural mythos of what “finding your person” and being in love should feel like.
The narrative goes something like this: Love is a feeling that possesses you, wraps around you, and takes you somewhere. Like Love is a magic carpet that will take you to some kind of ecstatic vacation. Some [insert gorgeous individual] will save you from pain into some new shining, shimmering, splendid reality.
This fantasy is derived from the honeymoon stage: a phase typically early in relationship development where we feel a rush of feel good bonding hormones and emotions that are meant to be in service to the relationship bond.
However, the false expectation that relationships “should” feel like that all the time when you’re with the “right person” facilitates needless anxiety, doubt and resentment.
Relationships require Love in Action. Not just the being in love but the doing in love.
Psychoanalyist Erich Fromm posits in his book, The Art of Loving, the idea that Love is not a passive entity, but Love as an art: a skill that requires education and practice. Specifically, that Love is the expression of care, respect, responsibility and knowledge towards myself or another.
Part of the skill of Loving, according to Fromm, comes from the realization that Love is not simply a feeling to be felt. This is especially true in a monogamous romantic relationship:
“To love somebody is not just a strong feeling — it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise. If love were only a strong feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go. How can I judge that it will stay forever, when my act does not involve judgement or decision?”
The Art of Loving, page 52
In this view, Love is not easeful like going down a slide with no resistance. Not at all! Fromm is talking about Love as a practice, which requires discipline, intention, and willingness to act, even when the delicious lovey feelings aren’t there.
The most Loving, fulfilling and soulful relationships feel easeful because the couple is willing to put in the groundwork to address, over and over, the ways their hearts are blocked to give and receive love.
This is much easier said than done!
When we consider the word “easy,” we think “low effort.” The reality is if you would like to experience more joy, spaciousness and Love in your relationship, it is up to you to put in the effort and practice being Love. If you’re not sure how to start, I encourage you to consider being in the active form of Love, ie, Love as giving.
Fromm distinguishes “giving” from “giving up” or being deprived of something. I would like to distinguish generosity from “over-giving”, which is an attempt to covertly receive through giving. Instead to consider giving as an expression of abundance.
“In the very act of giving, I experience my strength, my wealth, my power . . . I experience myself as overflowing, spending, alive, hence as joyous. Giving is more joyous than receiving, not because it is a depravation, but because in the act of giving lies the expression of my aliveness.”
The Art of Loving 21-22
If love is something we cultivate, then the real question in a relationship is not “Do I feel in love?” It’s “How am I participating in love today?”
Here are a few ways you can practice generous love:
Listen with your whole attention when your partner is sharing about their day
Tend to your own inner world so you can approach your partnership from a place of wholeness
Give Love to your partner in the way they like to receive it, not just in the ways you prefer to give
Apologize and take accountability for ways you were acting in unloving or immature ways
Make eye contact frequently and smile :)
Through consistent effort and devotion, you’ll start to develop a relationship that feels deep, soulful, and so so beautiful.
Feelings don’t sustain devotion. Devotion sustains feelings.
Thank you for reading! I wanted to take some time to announce that I have a new practice home with The Flourishing Collective, a virtual counseling practice in Michigan. My books are open for individuals and couples. So if this peice resonated with you, know that you don’t have to do it alone.
Whether you’re navigating conflict, feeling distant from your partner, or questioning whether your relationship is “supposed to feel this hard,” therapy can be a space to slow down and learn how to practice love differently.
In individual therapy, we can explore the patterns, fears, and protective strategies that make it difficult to give and receive love freely.
In couples therapy, we work together to repair ruptures, strengthen connection, and cultivate a relationship that feels less like chasing a feeling and more like tending something meaningful.
If you’re ready to move from wondering whether it should feel easier to actively building something deeper, you’re invited to book a free consultation.
Warmly,
Katie
